January 25th 2009-
In a history lesson, we had a cover teacher from Zimbabwe. Mid way through the lesson I realised it was 11 months until Christmas.
“HAPPY ELEVEN MONTHS TILL CHRISTMAS EVERYONE”
Zimbabwe woman is not happy.
“No, christmas was last month”
“Yeah, and the next one is in 11 months, show some festive spirit”
“My spirit is gone, there is no christmas ever again, Christmas is dead.”
“Christmas is dead?” *fake tears, run out crying*
I seriously wonder how I did so well at that school.
I just take a nap after college.
so snow white was this chick whos dad was a playa cause he got it like dat and one of her many step mothers was like “evry bitch knows I’m the hottest hoe in dis joint” and she had a mirror who looked like Zordon from power rangers and shes like “Mirror mirror, on the wall, TELL ME IM DAT HOTTEST BIATCH IN DIS CASSUL” and Zordons like “RANGERS… I mean… STEP MOTHER U IS FIIIIT” and so for the next like 10 years, the step mother does this every day because she’s vain and skanky. But then it’s like snow whites 18th birthday or something and she starts puberty and grows boobs and curves and shit and the step mother is like “ZORDON IZ I STILL FIT?” and Zordon is like “aww hell no, I’m a dirty old man who likes younger girls and dat bitch snow white, she got swagggaa”
Step mother is now like “AWW HELLL NO. AMMA KEEL DAT BITCH” so she goes to snow white “hey, snow you gots to go gemme some apples from the forest or some shit” and snow is like “dats coo’, I don’t mind doing some work on my birthday” so she goes off into the forest but the step mum sends some knight to go and kill her so the knight goes after her and when he catches her he’s like “DAYUM U FIIINE” and then he’s like “GO HIDE BECUZ I’M MENNA KILL U AND TAKE YOUR HAND BACK TO YO MOMMA TO PROVE IT” and then cause he doesn’t have a hand to prove it he chops off his own hand to prove it and hopes that the step mother doesn’t notice.
Snow white goes and hides with some dirty old midgets who are like “HI HOE” and snow white is like “I’m not a hoe ” but they treat her like a hoe anyway and make her do work and pimp her to all the woodland creatures.
Whilst this is happening the knight takes his hand back to the stepmother whos like “YO DAWG I AINT DUMB I CAN SEE U AINT GOT A HAND” so she goes to kill snow.
In the Dwarves’ brothel, snow answers the door to some small old lady selling apples who she thinks is just another dirty customer. But the old woman is like “HOLY SHIT YOU FIIINE LEMME GIVE YOU AN APPLE FOR FREE… no, not that one, no not that one, THIS ONE” and snow white eats the apple and dies and the old woman is like “HAHAHA IM ACTUALLY YOUR STEP MOTHER WHO IS ACTUALLY A WITCH FOR SOME UNEXPLAINED REASON”
and then the knight comes back like “oooh, she’s sleeping…. *squeeze*” then he kills the witch woman and then proceeds to rape the sleeping snow white who wakes up like “WHUT U DOIN?…..” but cause she’s never had any male attention before she’s like “WANNA MARRY ME? I LOVE YOU? DO YOU LOVE ME? WANT SUM BAILEYS?” and then the dwarves and the knight take turns with her and they all live happily ever after
there was a mermaid who wanted to be a human so she could make love to some human guy, so the witch made her a human when she was out of water and for some reason being human made her hair go from orange to brown, so she has sex with the human guy, but then she’s like “OH NOES I CAN ONLY BE HUMAN FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR” so she has to run back to the sea to be a mermaid again and the human guys like “Uh, DUUUUDE I JUST MADE OUT WITH A FISH” and then back under the sea, the mermaids gay best friends the fish and the lobster stop having sex long enough to sing some song that’s like “UNDA THA SEA” and then the witch whos really an octopus destroys atlantis, or something and then the mermaid is like “NO U DONT BITCH AL KEEL U” and kills the octopus lady and then for some reason the human guy who fancies the fish girl becomes a fish guy and they all live happily ever after. Oh and michael jackson sings a song at some point.